Hey there type A mamas
I see you. You are a force of nature. You have an uncanny ability to keep more balls in the air than most people can even count. Your house is clean, and your car is clean, and your outfit is cute too. You work in the home, you work outside of the home, you’re the class parent and the team mom. It seems like everything you do is spot on. Clearly I’m impressed.
And now you have a kiddo with ADHD and you are going to rock that too
There are so many benefits for an ADHD kid with a ultra organized mom. Routine; check. Lunches packed the night before; check. When you make a plan you probably stick with it. Your child is lucky because you crush cleaning out a backpack, using a planner, making a list, and filing papers in a binder.
Check it off, tie a bow on it, done.
But this child is anything but order. Maybe you have a spacey kiddo who stares out the window when they should be doing their homework, or takes 10 seconds before she answers you. Maybe yours is a climber of furniture, a yeller before breakfast, a dirty hands on the wall wiper, and generally a chaos maker.
So many of your strengths line up brilliantly with your child’s weaknesses and you are a great person to help support or do those things that you child needs done but is a little behind in doing independently.
Okay, so that and more is the good stuff
I think you know the tough part; it can be nails on the chalkboard hard for you when things aren’t done well, aren’t put away, are done and not turned in, are out of order; you get the idea.
And this might well drive you just a little bit bananas. But you have not met a challenge you can’t solve; until this one.
Spirited kids break rules
They break a lot of rules. The list of diagnostic symptoms for ADHD could be read as a list of broken rules. And they get in trouble for this. Oh the red bears, clips moved down, sad face notes, detention, lost recess, teacher conferences, shame, blame, isolation; you know, the works.
But often they really just can’t do what is asked of them in that moment. These are often the same kids that don’t do well with frustration. And this frustrates them, and maybe you, all the more.
Their cute outfit is dirty, jeans are ripped, they only wear sport shorts, and that darling ponytail fell out hours ago.
They look like a hot mess and it is going to take all the grace you’ve got to fight that nagging voice that whispers this is a reflection of you and some personal failure.
Here is the catch
They know what they are supposed to do. Ask them. They mostly want to do it or at least to please you. If they could they would. We know ADHD is a brain based disorder with developmental delays in the exact skills that let other kids meet these expectations with relative ease. Yet their behavior is often still seen as intentional, attention seeking, lazy, or manipulative misbehavior.
There is nothing fun about being ‘that kid’ who is always getting called out and corrected.
And so that extra consistency, lecturing, punishing, taking away, time outs, rewarding, and yelling; that our society seems to think they need, falls short. No one is having fun. For some kids it even makes things worse as it piles on shame, failure and injustice.
All bets are not off nor is this a hall pass. You know how you want this to go, you just need a different path to get there.
Shift your thinking, prioritize, and problem solve. It looks this
- Tolerate, for now, 65% of the annoying but harmless stuff. Plan C
- Teach/guide/problems solve, in moments of calm 30% of the problematic stuff. Plan B
- Swiftly intervene and shut down 5% of the truly dangerous, destructive or violent stuff. Plan A
If your numbers are way off, you are not alone
Conventional parenting wisdom loves Plan A and our brain races here when stressed/angry/scared. It seems like it works with some kids sometimes, and can be very scary to let go.
Ross Greene and Stuart Abalon’s Collaborative Problem Solving model and their books The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings are my hands down favorite way of understanding tough behavior. Their philosophy and model is based on the premise.
Kids do well if they can. If kids could do well they would do well. In other words, if the kid had the skills to exhibit adaptive behavior, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behavior. That’s because doing well is always preferable to not doing well.
Ross Greene and Stuart Abalon
The model is great for all kids and critical for kiddos who are struggling, acting out or giving up
Shifting away from a mindset where discipline assumes poor intention and applies consequences and rewards to change the behavior; is challenging for most parents. Conventional parenting wisdom is deeply held. It is also how most of us were raised.
I singled out type A mamas because I wonder if letting some things intentionally slide in the interest of prioritizing and relationship, may be extra tough.
Things that make it easier.
- #1 Have a kiddo who can meet expectations without too much effort.
I have one of these kids and he was born that way. I can’t take credit but I can appreciate how much easier it makes things for him, and me. If I didn’t also have experience with a different sort of kiddo, I might think this was just brilliant parenting on my part.
If we don’t take credit we also don’t hold the blame for our kiddos that struggles to meet expectations.
They also came wired that way. Parenting here is not always glorious and sometimes elicits those side-eye judge-y looks that are hard to ignore.
- # 2 Be well matched with your kiddo.
If you are super organized and so are they, or even the opposite, there will be less friction than if you are mismatched.
- # 3 Focus on relationship, empathy, and proactively problem solve with your child to build their skills.
So the thing about #1 and #2, yeah, not in your control.
If you’ve got em, feel lucky and have empathy for the rest of us. If you are still reading this, all is not lost because #3 is possible. Better still, it forces an opportunity to develop problem solving, collaboration and emotional intelligence. Yours and theirs.
And look out because these younger generations demand and expect leveled up Emotional Intelligence.
Consider it your own personal growth project and treat yourself with kindness. Before you are too stressed, notice your self talk and challenge its whispers of blame and shame. Do what you need to do to manage your stress whether that is yoga, exercise, friends and partner, meditation, or therapy. PSA, #Mommywine is not a solid coping strategy.
Challenge yourself to intentionally embrace those crumbs on the floor, dishes in the sink, and your child’s sparkle. You’ve got this
