Non Violent Resistance, developed by Haim Omer, is a strategic, philosophical answer and practical answer to the important question of how to parent our children in an increasingly complicated, sometimes uncharted world. Today’s parents value a strong and warm relationship with their children, recognize the need for them to develop confidence and still need an avenue to guide their children to keep them safe and moving in a positive direction.
Parental North describes a set of principles that guide our position, action and attitude in moving us to use our relationships with our children as stabilizing anchors against various threats to our children. Parental North is the position of leadership we strive towards and NVR is an actionable Why and How to get and stay there.
Parents are rightfully concerned by their children’s extreme behavior, and their feelings and frustrations are common and unsurprising. Unfortunately, these well founded feelings and frustration, unchecked, can make avoiding escalation difficult.
Parents today sometimes notice or even miss the shift from old school parental authority. Many of us were raised that way. This old authority was the norm in many communities and parents were supported in their expectation of unquestioning obedience. But to many of us it no longer fits. We want and need our children to think critically, set boundaries, and find their voice. Also, without community support, attempts to establish control and unquestioning obedience end up relying on the use of corporal punishment, distance, awe, raw power, unquestioning obedience, and induction of fear. Most parents no longer wish to parent their children by evoking fear but also feel fear and helplessness when behaviors escalate. When parents find themselves unable to change their child’s behavior despite increasingly ‘louder and harder’ parenting, it is common, out of love and their own fear, to reach for these ‘hand me down’ parenting techniques. “I would never had (said that, done that, etc.) to my parents or teachers.” These same parents, while so strongly wanting their children to be ok and behave reasonably, simultaneously also no longer hold the values of old Authority. They are also opposed or reluctant to use the Props (threats, fear, abuse) and do not experience community support when they reach for them out of frustration/desperation. Parents who become caught in the trap of escalation often find themselves behaving in ways that they don’t feel good about, are outside of their actual values and relationship goals, and are not effective (especially in the long term.)
Nonviolent Resistance creates a type of parenting that recognizes the need and wish to ‘parent’ our children AND do this in a way that fits with who we are and our modern society. Consistent research, as well as gut instinct, tells us that permissive overly ‘buddy buddy’ parenting, does not result in the best outcome for children. But this is not an either or dilemma. Children DO need a warm relationship with parents and they also need the structure that feels predictable and safe while offering typical experiences to cope with the frustrations of limits and expectations. The family is a space where kids can feel the warmth of belonging, love and connection that make developing resilience and real self esteem, more possible.
Message to parents
Parenting advice and expectations of perfect parenting seem to have exponentially increased. This is amazing in many ways but also hard and at times unhelpful. The vast amount of information and advice comes at you from all directions. Some are contradictory and even more of it sounds great but leaves you head scratching when you try to figure out how to actually DO it. This is against a backdrop of ideals of how it should look and the pressure to make sure your kids will be able to successfully manage our 21st century world. Mix in the raw, heart on your sleeve, love for your kids and it is too easy to find yourself reaching for old school ‘hand me down’ parenting methods. Maybe the very ones you were hoping to avoid.
Whether your children are little and you are looking for support in getting off to a great start, or you are already facing situations that have you worried; it is not too early or too late. We often say that the parenting paradigm we support is great for all kids and vital for some kids. Those kiddos who, for various reasons whether temperament or personality; or additional challenges such as ADHD, ASD, OCD, anxiety; need different support to grow those important coping/life skills and face difficulties.
When things get especially tough it can feel so frustrating and exhausting that parents may feel discouraged or hopeless caught in a battle field of power struggles and a Wack-A-Mole of problems. It doesn’t have to be this way. Parents inhabit a central place at the heart of the family. You are your children’s greatest asset. We love nothing more than supporting parents into stepping into this role in a way that feels good, empowering and also sustainable. A huge part is seeing that change is happening. That connection, sturdy anchoring, skill building and problem solving are shifting in real time and you can give yourself grace and breathe knowing you have the resources to face today’s and tomorrow’s concerns. There is a different way.
Our approaches are rooted in the parenting methods/philosophies of Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, Positive Discipline and Non Violent Resistance. In a nutshell, this is parenting that is present, firm but kind and values true parental authority born of relationship, collaboration and emotional regulation. This is the kind of parenting that actually helps children build core (life skills) social emotional competencies, tap into their intrinsic motivation, solve problems in a lasting way; AND leaves parents feeling strong, proud and connected. This approach empowers parents to restore harmony, connection and a sense of belonging in the home.
Many of these strategies such as SPACE, NVR and Parent Based Training for Highly Dependent Adult Children can be used by parents even if your child, teen or young adult does not want to participate in therapy. Our goal is to help parents to feel empowered through these methods without feeling like they are at fault or have done something “wrong.”