They don’t really know me

TLDR; Shhh. Stop with the barrage of questions, commands and comments. Be present, more quietly attentive and reflect back their greatness. Your kids want to talk and connect with you. I know it is what you want too.

I have had more than a few teens and young adults, soulfully and with grief in their hearts, tell me this over the years. The longing in their words is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking too because I know their lovely parents who want nothing but the best for their children. I am keenly aware of how their child’s sense of a lack of deep connection, is in direct contrast to the parent’s own highest values for their families.

As a parent of teens and young adults myself, I have thoughts and experiences about how they may have gotten there and how they might find they way back.

Yes, we want our kids to be ok. So much so that it is palpable, wakes us up at night and can lead us to do and say things that we think are in service of this goal of ‘okayness’ yet are instead risking it.

The world is complicated, uncompromising and can be a straight up rough place – true enough. So the anxiety/fear that we feel makes sense on some level. The problem arises when let fear ‘drive our bus’ (as I say to kids about anxiety.) Fear does well when it reminds us to buckle our seatbelts and other simple, concrete and actionable responses that work to keep us safe in the world. Fear does not do well beyond alerting us to potential danger. It is remarkably poor at guiding us with what to do next in complicated situations. Raising healthy, connected and functional humans is all about the long game.

Anxiety has no long game, yet that mix of helplessness and love urges us to DO SOMETHING!

We momentarily feel better when we answer anxiety’s call and do some something. Unfortunately, unless we are very careful, the answers that we most naturally come to are the same ones that are leading to the disconnect of relationship that many teens lament.

Relationship, connection and stability are the very best and most protective gift that we can offer our children.

I say it often because I believe it at my core and also strive to live it. Even with conscious effort I also still fall short. It is more tricky than it sounds. The parenting connection I’m talking about is defined by unconditional love, deep knowing and the sturdiness of parental self control and reliability.

This accidental trap of disconnect can look like;

Quality control and packaging our ‘product’ for the future

Don’t get me wrong, some amount of this is just parenting; necessary and important. Discernment is key because this same sort of parenting temporarily soothes our anxiety in a way that lets it sneakily come to dominate our interactions with our kids.

Could look like;

Barrage of questions along the lines of

‘How was school, who did you sit with at lunch, what is everyone up to, what did they do over the weekend, what are you going to do this weekend. Did they text you back? (if your anxiety is about their friends, social skills, social status, etc.)

or maybe

‘How was school, do you have any homework, have you started your project, what did you get on the quiz, did you talk to your counselor yet, how did your friends do on the test, have you met with your SAT coach, thought any more about college, I heard this kids got an internship- have you thought about applying? Is your homework done yet? Did you study for your test? Don’t be late for practice. (Is your anxiety is more about college and academics)

Other various statements

These might be of the grooming or appearance variety; did you brush your teeth, do you have a jacket, some critical (maybe disguised as joking) about an outfit or hairstyle.

Physically fixing them by smoothing their hair, straightening their shirt, picking link you get the idea.

Are you gonna eat, have you eaten yet, are you sure you wanna eat that? Where are you going, have you done your chores, any homework, don’t forget to…

I think you get it

Almost none of these are wrong. I would though strongly recommend against commenting on appearance; including hair, make-up, body or outfit choice; if humanly possible.

Pretending it is a joke does not make it better.

Otherwise these are regular parenting things.

What I am talking about is the rate, consistency, not listening to the answer and overall repetitiveness; of these sorts of questions. This is talking at teens and potentially also conveys a lack of confidence in their abilities.

It is true too that when you have mistakenly said more than a few, you also may see that your child tunes you out and is eager to end the interaction.

The culprits

My hunch that this is our old friend anxiety trying to help us, help our kids, help themselves. But oops, I think you can hear how annoying, second guessing, micromanaging and product oriented many of these end up sounding. Imagine sitting to have lunch with a friend and this was their talk track.

If connection is what we are seeking, and I think we are, it makes sense to be aware of the easy slip into this questioning trap.

When you rein it in, you make space. Space for different words and conversation and the possibility to build understanding and depth of connection. This is where you can convey to them that you are truly interested in their experience.

Visibly brighten when you see them

Hey darling, nice to see you.

Some variation of the usual, what’s new, whats on your mind, anything interesting today? All are fine though, as you know, teens also reflexively answer with ‘fine.’

Timing with teens may mean that they are not always open to your bids for connection at the same moment you are. I suspect some of this might be related to their developmental task of becoming their own independent person and just plain timing. They are growing young humans and their worlds are more intense then we give them credit for. While you have missed them while they are away and are eager to reconnect, they often need space to decompress and disconnect before wanting to engage. You do well if you avoid getting offended or force them to share on your schedule.

You are also well served to notice and prioritize their bids for connection as much as possible. These are the moments when they are seeking to connect with you and they are gold. They are kids and we are the parents. If relationship is our goal then following their lead practically makes sense. You are not teaching them to be self centered. When you are interested and respectful toward them, you are modeling that behavior and making it more possible for them as they mature.

The real trick is to talk less and listen with calm curiosity so that…

• There is the space and desire to connect with you
• You can pick up on, make and the time, energy and space (by putting down what you are doing as much as possible) to tune in to their bids for connection
• Follow their lead. Teens as humans, want to feel like their ideas and thoughts are worthy and important. (spoiler, they are) Go slow and keep the focus on what they are thinking. This can be harder then it sounds. Notice if you have the urge to share your own knowledge or your own experience/story about the topic.

  There may be a generational gap here but many teens experience too many of our words as lecturing and/or parenting diving into a long winded story about themselves, thus shifting the conversation (centering) to the adult. Watch what happens when you resist the urge and instead say small encouraging things like;

• Oh wow, that’s wild, tell me more
• What happened next
• Hmm, I’m interested in your thought process, tell me how you figured that out
• That makes sense
• I hadn’t though of it like that before
• Huh, thats really interesting.

Yes you can throw in a

• Have you considered (or something of the like if truly needed)

Or

• It sounds like you are on the right track with your thinking and I’m always glad to offer my thoughts if you think that might be helpful

Or

• I can relate to that. You can often tell if they want to hear more about how you can relate by paying attention to body language. If you think relating is important, like how you have also been excluded, etc, try to keep it short and pay attention to whether it looks like they want to hear more or not. Err on the side of less.

Values — even the beginning flicker of one that you can hold up to the light for them

I love love love to subtly reflect back these baby values out to teens. You can see in their eyes that they like it too. Thing is you have to listen hard, really pay attention, and fight off the urge to lecture or correct in the face of your own anxiety. You may also have to read between the lines and make some assumptions (sometimes of the generous sort) about their goals and values. Thing is, there is almost always something that points to a value imbedded in there somewhere.

Courage, loyalty, connection, belonging, integrity, grit; you get it. Feel the difference;

‘I know how important the connection with your community of friends is to you’ VS ‘all you care about is your friends and doing whatever they say.’

which conversation you would want to continue if you were a teen.

They are good kids. They are good kids even when they are involved in some concerning things. Seeing and pointing their goodness out to them, relentlessly and in real ways, is valuable beyond measure. Help them gather evidence this evidence and mirror it back to them by way of your interest and investment in slowing down to know them.

These are the best parts of parenting and being around teens

They will tell you and show you; what they care about, who they are, who they are becoming and what matters to them. Only when we settle down, quiet down and really listen; do we get the opportunity to hear who they really are. This is sort of KNOWing them that defines deep connection.

As a perk; knowing them is also often quieting for your anxiety because it highlights their very real capacity and goodness.

*** It also helps you have insight into if they need more support and influence of guiding them in the right direction.