Problem Child

TLDR: If your kid sees themself as the ‘problem child,’ this is a real, important and even potentially dangerous situation. You can, and I hope you will, work to shift this dynamic.

I was ‘that kid.’ Maybe you were too. If you were, I bet you can remember how bad it felt. If you weren’t (lucky you) and I bet you can remember the kids who were. The loop of unpleasantness and the various attempts to ‘motivate.’ The star charts, marble jars, time outs and various consequences, as an ever present reminder that you were not measuring up, were disappointing others and were out of the fold.

The not so subtle assumptions being that you were clearly not trying hard enough, unmotivated or maybe just a bad kid. As much as we may agree that labeling a kid as ‘bad’ is unkind, untrue and unhelpful; it remains true that MANY kids still end up feeling this way. This unspoken distinction easily and powerfully maintains and escalates the pattern. Perception becomes reality and it is true too that;

Equally powerful is when we identify and take action to change this damaging story

The ‘problem child’ distinction can happen at home or school (or both) but our focus now is your family. Here you have a critical element that you can control.

Spoiler- it’s you

Conventional wisdom tells us that parents ‘should’ be able to control their child. You likely have found this to be profoundly false and/or the effort required to uphold the myth is very much out of sync with how you envision parenting. You can control yourself. That is it. This sounds obviously true yet most of us, by our efforts, guilt and anxiety/anger; deeply feel otherwise. Remember this also falls squarely into the ‘simple but not easy’ bucket.

Not being able to control your children does not mean you are helpless or without power.

This probably sounds like a contradiction but the power you do have (not the illusions based in fear) are rooted in your self control, persistence and connection. You can have great influence and generate real positive momentum in your family. This momentum is a powerful force and is likely to spill over to school and other places.

So-called ‘problem child’

Less dramatic versions could be; the struggling one, unfavored one, different one or just the less obviously spectacular one in a sea of high achievers. These all can be uncomfortable positions so it makes sense that anyone would chafe against it. Of course parents never intend for these dynamics to emerge (and rarely are they directly spoken.)

It is also true that children are not all the same. Some are naturally academically, athletically, socially or otherwise capable, meet or exceed expectations more readily, are more similar to their parents or have an ‘easier’ temperament. Though we may pretend otherwise, we notice and they notice too. Sometimes parts of this just are factually true and thus telling a child that they are the best xyz ever, when that is not aligned with reality, rings hollow. (and maybe reinforces that personal worth is tied to achievement)

Being the best or amazing at something feels great AND most of us would agree that a person’s worth and love is inborn (unconditional) and not contingent on winning, grades, trophies or other displays of ‘success.’

We know this is true yet when success and affirmation are so widely pursued and praised, it can easily feel like what is most important and therefore the real truth.

Children who have a harder time in any number of ways; or less obvious successes, often draw wide reaching (usually unspoken) conclusions about their worth and value or place in family/world as a result. Less valued, less cared for, less important, less loved, a hassle, an outsider or the problem child. Not the ideas about who they are that we want our children carrying.

These can lead to a snowball effect of negative self concept and growing concerns.

It is true too that some kids need more attention and support for any range of reasons. TikTok named ‘deductible kid’ for being the one whose needs (typical medical) result in the family quickly meeting their insurance deductible. At times this sort of ‘problem solving’ focus, whether with tutors, doctors appointments, therapy, energy, stress, etc; shifts around among siblings as various kids need different things or based on their ages or stages. When this happens, dynamics tend to remain more fluid and the distinction of Problem Child is less likely to emerge.

Other times the focus remains; sometimes necessarily, directed more toward one child.

The focus can also be of the opposite nature though with a similar result, such as when one child is extremely skilled in an area so time and energy are focused on helping them pursue their special talent. It can unfold where both +/- factors are at play resulting in a polarization with children at either ends of the spectrum. When such dynamics are unavoidable, parents can still be vigilant to prevent or reverse the pattern where unhelpful (problem child/golden child/glass child) beliefs may emerge.

These dynamics are often invisible at first and noticeable only once enough momentum has snowballed into a bigger or more obvious problem. Meaning that this same child, who likely hates feeling like ‘the problem,’ may end up doing things or acting in ways that seem to unfortunately reinforce their ‘problem’ status. Clearly this is harmful and a cycle of awful for the child and family. Once in motion, child/teen typically are not well positioned to change it.

Luckily, parents absolutely can.

How to spot it

• Hot potato

Dynamics where siblings seem to be actively trying to push negative focus to their siblings, peers or otherwise outside of themself. This can happen when energy gets stuck on one child or when the focus of the ‘corrective energy’ is more flexible, but the position is uncomfortable enough that siblings actively work to shift or keep it off of themselves.

• Sibling rivalry

  Including trying to get their sibling in trouble, tattling, pointing out flaws, selling them out, etc. Some amount of these sorts of interactions are common, yet still warrants further investigation.

• Provoking (subtly) their siblings to try and get them to get upset to look bad
• Trying to exclude them or express that things are better when they are not there
• Acting extra helpful or charming to both maintain the good status and highlight the unpleasantness of their sibling
• Expressing disdain. Eye rolls, disgusted facial expressions, even empathizing and joining with parents in complaints/concerns about the frustrating sibling.

The Love Game

The Love Game is a way to imagine a type of sibling dynamic in need of correcting.

Picture that each child has a cosmic score card and the rules dictate that it is better to ‘win.’ Winning means they have received the most favored child gold star award. A child who has some obvious talent for which they earn accolades may be seen as beginning the day +10 and a child with an area of struggle (particularly if it is a source of aggravation or frustration) may begin with -10.

If kids sense that the Love Game is underway most can’t help but play.

Children who seem to have resigned themselves to losing (rather than the game being dismantled) are in serious danger. They may isolate themselves from the family, experience additional mental health concerns, or even be more likely to exhibit concerning or escalated behaviors.

If getting in trouble feels like a foregone conclusion, some will unconsciously do things to get the waiting over with. As such a system implies, points are gained or lost for various reasons including;

• Positive or negative attention
• Winning an argument by way of having a parent side with them or correct their sibling
• Getting a sibling to look bad
• Getting complimented
• Awards
• Winning
• Spending time with parents

Results of winning or losing may include;

• Money spent on things they want
• Plans that align with their interests
• Praise or privileges / fewer privileges
• Correction/consequence/punishment
• Extra warmth and flexibility from parents
• Parents more rigid and easily frustrated

Rather than relying on efforts to even out love points; parents do best when they actively dismantle the accidental system. This is not done by downplaying one child’s successes but with vigilance to noticing process and effort over outcome and holding onto awareness of the flow of negative energy so that they neutrally address the

‘problem as the problem’ rather than the ‘child as the problem.’

Effort is far more in one’s control than outcome and continued effort regardless of outcome is invaluable and courageous.

By being aware that one child may be feeling less important, parents are better able to proactively ensure all their children feel loved and valued and that they overtly and subtly communicate their unconditional love and positive regard for all of their children.

Restoring a sense of parental self control, and the sort of parental authority that is possible from this position; allows a parent to effectively address problems without reinforcing the idea of a ‘problem child.’

The child who is feeling like the problem child typically responds in one of two ways;

1. They will actively try to shift the negative focus to another sibling (potentially one with some other vulnerability) This can look like trying to get them in trouble, tattling, provoking to get them to act out, etc. This child is still fighting to rid themselves of the unpleasant distinction and while this is more obvious and aggravating to parents, it also indicates that they are not so discouraged that they have quit trying. (a positive sign)
2. Even more concerning is a child who has accepted their fate as the problem child or outsider. They are so discouraged that they have resigned themselves to this position and have decided it is true; that they really are not valuable or good enough. This level of despair, though it may look or sound like apathy, ‘I don’t care,’ is cause for serious concern and swift action.

Other signs that a child is feeling like the problem child and suffering in this position;

• Excluding themself from the family / isolating in room
• Less willing to engage in family activity; eating dinner, watching a movie, going on outings, etc
• Seeming to be especially disconnected, irritable or short tempered almost as if to excuse themselves before they are rejected.
• ‘Whatever, it doesn’t matter, I don’t care,’ etc. Some obvious or less obvious statements of disconnect.
• Loss of willingness to try new things where they may be unsuccessful
• More or an escalation of the same challenging behavior perhaps with additional signs of giving up.
• Substance abuse, self harm, suicidal ideation, depression, extreme oppositionality, apathy.

Note, it is also common for parents to notice that they feel less patient, less warm, more easily irritated or feeling very anxious about the child’s future.

What to do

That you are reading this is a big deal. Once you see, or even suspect, what may be happening, there is so much you can do and your efforts matter a lot.

Note that this cycle likely developed subtly and over time and will also take time to reverse. Your child may also have formed beliefs about themselves that will take some time, as well as different opportunities/outcomes and experiences, to dislodge and begin to shift these beliefs. It is also likely that you will need to do preventative maintenance. It easily develops especially as this child likely still has the challenges or traits that put them at risk in the first place.

These ideas are good for all kids

For struggling kids you may find that you have to be more conscious and intentional about doing them and especially doing them at the times when they need it the most, (you may notice that you feel the least like doing so.)

Brighten when you see them

Do this with your eyes, your body and your words. You are conveying your love and warmth at seeing them and their simple presence. You are also communicating non-verbally to their nervous system that you are safe and they are safe with you. Kids who feel as though (or have had) many statements toward them that have been critical, punitive or even directive (go brush your teeth, have you done your homework, etc.) may expect more of the same and will reflexively assume a protective posture when interacting with a parent or authority figure.

If you are in an especially challenging place with your child, do your brightening with as little opportunity for them to shift this into a negative, self fulfilling, interaction as possible. When you say ‘hey darling, nice to see you’ it is a stand alone statement. Meaning they do not have to respond if they choose not to and the interaction still stands. If you say instead, ‘hey darling, how are you?’ you are asking for a response and it feels uncomfortable if they are not yet able to respond pleasantly. If they respond unpleasantly anyhow; do your best to treat your side of the interaction as a stand alone communication of your love.

Resist the urge to point out their lack of response with a ‘heeellllooo?’ Do not respond as if offended or hurt if they ignore you, roll eyes, or even tell you to F-off. If they do curse at you, they heard you and it felt odd and different enough that their impulse was to ‘correct’ it back to what feels more aligned with their self concept.

Note that it also invites most adults to end the interaction by sending them away or giving them the consequence they assume was coming anyhow. Take none of this personally (and also not as a sign that you are a crap parent raising a horrible human.)

You can follow this pattern downstream from a conventional parenting lens, in that if they were told that that is ‘unacceptable and go to their room,’ (with a finger wag for good measure) the self concept of ‘I’m bad and don’t belong here’ is reinforced.

Instead, assume that you are onto something important in working to shift this dynamic. And yes, this is going to take some consistent and important efforts on your part. Do the same when you or they leave. ‘Have a great day sweets’ > ‘have a great day???’

Be aware too that statements about how your feelings are hurt or ‘I guess I’m just the worst parent ever’ are likely to be felt as guilt, shame or manipulation and are not helpful in your goal of relationship building.

If or when your child will allow it, add physical touch.

Beware of corrective touch such as fixing their hair, picking lint off of them or things of this nature. Same goes for comments about appearance, even (especially) in jest. Don’t comment on their bedhead, oversized jeans, pjs as pants, or anything that they will take as criticism (because lets be real, it is and they will) unless you really really must from a parenting position (inappropriate) or human perspective (spinach in teeth.)

Not that there is never a time for instructive parenting, now is just not it

Presently your child is in need of far more positive interactions than corrective ones. Our absolute best shot at having influence (control is a myth) is rooted in relationship thus putting our energy here, is far more powerful long term. Feels better all around too.

Your touch should gently convey love and warmth. If they will allow you to scratch their back or head, or you can gradually work up to this, this is a big deal. Some kids/teens are not comfortable with touch and will appreciate being asked if you may hug or touch them. Avoid being offended or challenging this. You likely also want them to exercise bodily autonomy when out in the world, though you may not have expected it to include you. Respecting their request is important in communicating that they are deserving of respect as humans.

Eliminate sarcasm from your interactions.

They will (rightfully?) hear the thinly veiled criticism embedded in the comment. Criticism and correction (again unless truly necessary) simply reinforces the ‘bad kid’ self concept. This doesn’t mean you have to love everything or compliment an outfit you hate (that would be disingenuous or sarcastic anyhow) Appearance based compliments are tricky so maybe just stick with ‘good to see you, I’m glad you’re home.’

Relentlessly hold up a positive mirror reflecting back their goodness.

I’m not saying ignore real concerns. If your child isn’t turning in their homework, is sneaking out of the house, not going to school regularly, drinking or using drugs; these are real concerns and it makes sense that you are doing your best to understand the problem, support positive changes and increase parental presence.

Children look to their parents for important pieces of information about who they really are and what they are worth. We want to intentionally (and relentlessly) mirror back to them that they are loved, valued, good kids and that we believe in them.

It is too easy and common for them to look at us and see reflected back, mostly problems, and make the leap that their identity is as a ‘problem’ or a product (and a defective one at that.)

Our own anxiety about the complicated world they will navigate, and thus our anxiety driven compulsions to iron out their rough spots, can do the same. Language matters here as do less obvious ways that we communicate and speak about problems. Statements that convey that we know that they are good kids, they aren’t enjoying this either, and will get through this; are huge.

The problem is the problem – they are not the problem.

Externalize the problem. The language shift here is subtle but meaningful. You are working to reference a problem as separate from the child and not the child themself.

Seek out and notice their values, ethics and efforts (even if they are small flickers) and hold them up for them to see. This helps us to be on their team against the problem, annoying homework for example vs annoying kid who won’t do their homework. And conveys our belief in their ability to move toward their values. You may not believe this just yet, but I have yet to meet a child or teen who enjoyed getting in trouble, not meeting expectations, and feeling like a problem.

You can often see a teen visibly brighten when someone actively calls out what they are doing well, values that they hold and efforts that they are making. And noticing exceptions of when the problem is not occurring or their efforts to resist it, (ie when it could have happened but didn’t)

Let them feel successful and helpful. Most are sensitive to feeling like they are being manipulated or that smoke is being blown. And if one said, ‘oh look, you did a homework assignment this week’ they are, of course, going to hear embedded sarcasm and criticism.

Depending where they are, you may have to be intentional to notice them being helpful or successful. Again, beware of being accidentally condescending or making an outsized deal about a small thing. Be low key (as they would say) and call out small things. As they open the door ahead of you, if you are behind them thank them for getting the door for you. Small opportunities are valuable to shift the momentum of their negative self concept. If you are reasonably confident that they will, as they grab a fork, ask them to grab you one too. ‘I appreciate your help.’ ‘Can you give me a hand with this?’ I am (really) not advising a battle about chores so don’t make it an awful task. I’m picturing smaller favors that they are likely to do and then you can appreciate their help and communicate their effort and belonging. Especially if they are taller or stronger than you, ask for their help with something heavy or out of your reach. You will find that once they begin to feel less stuck in their ‘problem child’ position, most people enjoy (simple) opportunities to feel helpful, needed and useful.

These are teens we are talking about so don’t get carried away here and ask them to paint the house.

If they have chores or routines that they are already doing without too much push back, great, keep those going and express your appreciation of their contribution. Chores that are not being done, rooms that are mess, laundry that is not put away; as much a humanly possible try and focus less on these for now. You can absolutely circle back to building independence and such; but over-focus here is more likely to generate a ‘can’t win’ and detract from the positive relationship momentum you are looking to build.

Notice and reflect growth and effort. If they hang in a conversation, even if they have a scowl, and don’t blow out or curse at you (and this is the norm for them) reflect that they hung in. Notice genuinely that you know they didn’t enjoy the conversation and may have wanted to curse but didn’t, and you appreciate their efforts.

Building relationship, filling their cup & banking good will

Small thoughtful gestures; do they have a favorite brand of cereal, love Dr. Pepper, enjoy a certain donut or burrito? (yes, I have teen boys) Little things that you can do or pick up for them, are powerful ways to communicate that you are thinking about them (even when they are not in front of you) and love them. Start small so you can both be sustainable and avoid the suspicion that a dozen donuts in their room might arouse. They may initially struggle to outwardly accept your ‘gestures of reconciliation.’

Leave the cookies on the counter or burrito in the fridge. Most often the token will be eaten at some point and you can know that it is doing its work in their belly.

Important! Please refrain from demanding an acknowledgement of appreciation or even a thank you.

Yes, yes, manners are important but remember this is not your goal at this moment and is highly likely to feel like further ‘evidence’ of ‘I’m a bad / ungrateful kid.’

Small acts of kindness

THAT ALSO FEEL LIKE LOVE TO YOU! If doing a load of their laundry is going to make you upset then that doesn’t fit here. But if you put their clothes away for them, gas up their car, unload the dishwasher bc you know they are rushing out the door, make them a hot breakfast before an early morning shift; and do so from a place of love and consideration, there is much value.

Effort

It is common, easy and makes sense, to notice noticeable good things. Your child gets an A on a big test, scores 2 touch downs, cleans up their room, has pleasant conversation with adults, etc. For some kids these sorts of things come easily or they are able to do the necessary steps to make it happen. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean that those kids are trying harder and thus that kids not achieving these sorts of successes are not trying hard enough.

Also it is really hard to keep showing up and trying when these obvious markers of success are not forthcoming. It can also accidentally convey conditional love both to the more readily achieving child as well as the less achieving one. As in ‘I notice and love you when you are succeeding and that brings pride or glory to me.’ Yikes.

What it takes for a not so athletic kid to keep showing up or a child who is not academically gifted to attend and try at school, is frankly tremendous. It is an act of strength and courage to keep trying when your efforts barely meet or rarely exceed expectations. It also makes sense that quiet quitting in such situations is tempting and common. The antidote to this is not to ignore obvious successes but rather to make a conscious effort to notice effort, grit, perseverance, teamwork, character, attitude and progress; and call these things out as family values. (over achievement or glory)

It also makes sense to prioritize development of intrinsic motivation which thrives on mastery, autonomy, connection, and growth over extrinsic drivers such as success, praise, reward or recognition. Not that these don’t feel nice but as core drivers, they are less impactful and long term; potentially hollow.

That was long and I appreciate your persistence in reading through. I understand that the work of shifting dynamics in a family is challenging, counter intuitive and also 100% worth it.

I believe in you.