TLDR: Flip the script for better conversations using Motivational Interviewing. Printable Cheat Sheet at the bottom
This comes up all the time and it makes good sense. We missed our kids when they are away from us, hope that things went well and worry that if we don’t know we can’t help. Also we love them and are correct; connection is the foundation of relationship.
So we ask them; ‘How was your day?!”
And they grunt back some version of ‘fine.’
We press for more, direct them to put down their phone, and demand eye contact and engagement. It seems important in the moment because this doesn’t feel ‘respectful,’ we are excited to talk with them, are interested/concerned about their day and perhaps irritated that they don’t want to talk. So we charge ahead. Unsurprisingly, this rarely goes well.
A fellow therapist mom noted that she successfully uses her therapy skills to have deeper and pleasant conversations with her teen son. Comfortable and connected conversations build relationship momentum in the form of more connection, capitol (trust) and even influence. It is true too, that the more opportunity you have to hear your child’s regulated perspective, the more confident you feel about their capacity and values. This makes conversation all the more possible and, you guessed it; more momentum.
This was a lightbulb moment for me because, of course she does and so do I. So much that it is second nature. These skills are core counseling/connecting tools that run in the background, quietly guiding our interactions.
While definitely not 100%, I am markedly successful in getting, even a pissed off teen boy who has been dragged to a session, to talk, and even feel good about a conversation they were expecting to hate.
Connecting with our kids is core to what parents and kids want and need. It is also easy to miss the mark. We will all miss and can switch things up to increase our odds. My Ah Ha was that the spirit of Motivational Interviewing describes the timing, positioning and intents of what we therapists say and don’t say that helps our cause. When we weave these in to conversations with kids (ours and others) things go better.
A light bulb moment because Motivational Interviewing (MI) is simple. It is also an evidenced based philosophy and technique of interacting with others to guide them toward important change. It acknowledges that knowledge is not enough (ie. everyone knows smoking is bad for you) because change is hard and ambivalence is common and natural.
The key concepts that embody the spirit of MI are straightforward, easy to learn and absolutely applicable to parenting
There are also tons of free resources and examples available online.
MI positions the therapist, or in this case parent, as the GUIDE. Imagine a good tour guide on a vacation. A great one seamlessly finds the goldilocks middle ground in their directiveness as they guide you on your trip. If overly directive, with all their answers and take total control; this would feel off and defiance and irritation would likely result. On the other end, if they only offered emotional validation, without useful guidance, we risk wandering in aimless circles.
The MI middle ground seeks to understand, listens carefully for values, goals and exceptions to the problem. These are mindfully and sparingly then pointed out. What is reflect back to the client/child is purposefully selected to prioritize and highlight autonomy, confidence, self concept and connection.
The wise guide may think they have the answers, but knows that helping another reveal their own truth, is the more fruitful path.
Parents
MI philosophically and deeply believes that the human sitting with them has wisdom, capabilities and is their own best source of information.
This is easier to achieve with people who are not ‘yours.’ I hear parents wanting to engage with their kids and know about their day; yes because they love them and are interested, and also, sometimes because they are worried.
The line is fine
Of course a parent is going to always be paying attention to signs of potential danger. Where it gets dicey is when their line of questions accidentally betrays their alarm and a lack of confidence is communicated. It is too easy to subtly dip into the realm of inquisition where the subtext whispers ‘I need to make sure you are not screwing this up.’ Kids are smart and read us like books. I can almost guarantee that you that if you are feeling especially anxious, suspicious, or concerned about what is going on, your child knows; even if you think you are hiding it.
There are times where you may be rightfully concerned because you have information to indicate that something is amiss. Your heightened awareness in these moments is both justified and necessary. The difference is that you are aware and can openly own the extra scrutiny that is part of the communication. (what you are saying and what you are saying, match)
Parents are well served when we recognize positive changes, growth, maturity and independence. It is too easy to stay stuck in old worries and fail to adjust our level of anxiety/vigilance to what is factually and currently true.
We are wise to stay aware and manage our anxiety/vigilance so that it is aligned to the actual level of concern.
When we do this, we calm ourselves and allow our tone and subtext to also be calm and curious. They don’t catch our stress which is highly contagious. They are then less likely to be automatically stressed or defensive.
Meaning, if you don’t have a good and recent reason to be worried about something, remind yourself of that, adjust and proceed accordingly.
There is no reason to keep yourself in an alarmed state and many good reasons not to.
MI at its core, holds that your child is a full and capable human who wants to do well and has insights that are valuable. Once this idea is embraced, the parent’s main task is to avoid working too hard. If you take over, a subtle communication of doubt in ability and drive is unavoidable.
Rather, the work is to use gentle curiosity, to coax their thoughts, values and goals and use these to GUIDE their own solutions.
Of course your ANSWER is going to involve safety, capacity and healthy coping. Almost always so does theirs.
With your presumption of confidence, you are more capable of listening with calm curiosity.
The type of listening in MI is not passive. You are listening closely for goals, values and exceptions to the problem. You are stopping yourself from reflexive problem solving, advise giving, lecturing and silver lining. Instead notice and reflect back possibilities and strengths; gathered from what you hear, see and can infer.
I like the metaphor of walking through a field of flowers and the therapist (parent) notices all of the flowers as they walk but is selective of which ones to pick up. The goal is gathering a bouquet that they then share back with the child. The flowers are pieces of information, strengths, values and goals from what they say. The longer you walk the more flowers you have to choose from.
When you listen carefully you can hear and call out ‘baby values’ you want to grow, pulled from generous assumptions based on their words.
The finished bouquet is carefully crafted and typically well received, because the flowers are all recognized as belonging to the child and reflective of their best self. Who wouldn’t like that bouquet.
It can be deeply counter intuitive to hang in a conversation and resist the urge to offer solutions or quickly resolve uncomfortable feelings
MI calls this the Righting Reflex and it is powerful. I would add that it is ESPECIALLY powerful when it is your own child. You can tell that you have fallen victim to the Righting Reflex because it so often provokes resistance. This might look like an eye-roll and groan or sound like ‘yes, buts’ explaining why your solution won’t work or even a flat ‘sure.’ It is clear that they are eager to end the irrelevant/irritating conversation.
Step 1: Calm and curious parent
Step 2: Calm and regulated child/teen.
Practice asking for permission and finding a time to talk that works for them. (They are the kid so extra grace/respect on your part goes a long way) I can predict that my kids will not want to have a conversation when I pick up from school or directly after practice. They are far more open when it is their idea, they are given options, or it late at night and I just feel asleep.
In this journey it makes sense to be the more flexible one whenever possible. You are the adult so when you model respect, boundaries and flexible thinking; they will increase their abilities in these skills over time.
If such conversations are still hard, you may need to acknowledge that you have possibly given them the impression that they were in trouble, being grilled or forced to talk and that you are going to do your best to do things differently moving forward. I am a fan of not taking things personally and throwing myself lightly under the bus.
Below and also here, is a cheat sheet of helpful and unhelpful statements you can reference, while you are getting the hang of it all. Feel free to print if that might be helpful.
Step 3: Flowers
To build a fabulous and useful bouquet you need a whole lot of flowers to choose from. You do this by being softly curious and encouragingly them to tell you more about their thinking, thoughts, feelings, etc. You are avoiding disagreeing with them at this point if HUMANLY possible. You can ask more about concerning flowers and can circle back later if a flower still sounds dangerous, but for now keep your flower walk going as much as possible.
MI types of statement. There is a whole lot of information but keeping it simple is plenty.
OARS
O- open ended questions
Get them talking so that they can share the change talk (useful flowers) that you can then work with. The prolonged talking (theirs NOT yours,) especially if the subject is more tricky, is calming in itself.
A- affirmations
Type of reflection – reflecting something positive about them or their perspective and autonomy – pick out a value from what they are saying to find something positive to affirm. Describe positively a flower you picked up.
Self efficacy- subtly hold up your belief in their ability to be wise, make changes, have guiding values and have done/can do hard things.
Be sparing with these so that they are impactful – something you want them to know about themselves they maybe they haven’t noticed or would benefit from being held up higher. Baby/nascent values
Reflections
‘it sounds like…’ reflecting back the flowers that you want to draw attention to, check your accurate understanding and communicate that you are listening and wanting to hear more.
Summaries
Powerful tool that is similar yet different then reflection. This is where you can briefly summarize back the flowers that you have collected on your walk with them. Again it is a deliberate selection of flowers from their words. Highlighting change talk, values and acknowledging ambivalence.
Try putting the sustained talk (why not to change) at the beginning of the summary and the change talk (their reasons they would change) at the end of your summary.
Change ruler
I use 1-10 scales ALL THE TIME.
I love this because you can ask for a scale of almost anything you want to talk more about. It conveys interest and asks the brain to come up with a number. Because it is is a more logic based question, it invites the prefrontal cortex (logical and rational) to the conversation.
Once you have a number, you can inquire about how they picked that number. If they give a score of a 2, you can ask how it is not a 1 or how they got from a 1 to a 2. Maybe what would a 10 look like, how about a 3? You can hear about changes they already made, get a sense of hopefulness and maybe hear what they are thinking they want to do next.
I realize this starts to sound very ‘therapisty.’ I would use these sparingly and watch for eye-rolls. My teens would most certainly call me out for ‘therapitizing’ them if I over used these.
You are still the parent here. That means that you also have a perspective, boundaries, expectation and rules that matter. If your concerns are addressed in the process: HURRAY! If not, you are now in a great spot for problem solving.
I love the CPS model of problem solving with kids and teens
What we did above is great for regular conversation and many concerns that come up. Other times, a parent has a problem that is reoccurring or otherwise needs to be addressed. This is beyond the scope of this post but here is a nutshell of a Plan B conversation. Ross Greene and Stuart Ablon’s CPS model has a great deal of information and books readily available.
The first step in what is termed a Plan B conversation is very much what you just did above. You self regulated, co-regulated, gathered information about their perspective and hung in the conversation.
Plan B
Step 1: The child’s concerns and perspective
Step 2: The adult concerns. This is where you share your concerns and what you need from a practical perspective. Determine your core or bottom line concerns.
Step 3: Give the child the first shot at problem solving. Summarize their concerns and briefly restate yours. Ask them ‘what do you think we can try to solve this in a way that works for you and also for us?’
Step 4: If their solution addresses your concerns adequately(ish), agree to give it a try.
Step 5: Circle back in a predetermined amount of time to see how things are working and problem solve (in the same way) it trouble shooting is needed.
