Knowledge is power.
Inviting your child to take you on a Tour of Technology
If you are like many parents; your teen is already aware that you don’t have warm tender feelings about social media or video games. If this conversation is going to go differently, you are going to need to take some big breaths and markedly shift your approach to clearly signal this change. Maybe (definitely) they will be expecting a lecture about the latest article you read about Screen Addiction or a tale about how you hung out with your friends in person before social media and video games ruined their generation.
Simply acknowledging that you have had such conversations (lectures) and that it makes sense that they might be expecting more of the same; can be incredibly helpful. Lightly throwing yourself under the proverbial bus can go a long way. Might sound like.
‘Hey, I know that it is probably no secret that I’m not a big fan, and I may have lectured you once or twice about it (this is meant to be funny – remember the bus) but I’m old and obviously not the target audience and I don’t really understand all of this. I know this is important to you and you are important to me; so I was hoping you could help me out and help me understand? I promise to not lecture and if I accidentally start to ramble about me in high school, I promise you can remind me and I’ll stop.’
‘Just to be clear, you are not in trouble and you don’t have to show me anything you don’t want to. I was thinking we could go grab an ice cream (or coffee, burger, boba, acai bowl, sushi- you get it, perk their interest) and you could give me a little tour?’
You are purposefully projecting interest, self awareness, humor and especially curiosity.
Curiosity that non-judgmentally seeks to understand their world, their decision making, experiences and goals and is not looking for an opportunity to tell them the reasons why it is bad (again.)
Pay attention and work to notice skills (yes I said skills) they are developing and discernment they are engaging in. Now subtly point out what they are doing WELL and the BENEFITS of their use. (don’t go overboard or they will get suspicious!)
Below is an exhausting but non-exhaustive list of questions
Various teens have helped me generate this list. Choose some that seem aligned with what they are interested in and their level of awareness. You obviously do not need to and would not want to, ask all kids all of these questions. As they talk, feel free to ask follow up questions and remember to be non-judgmental and curious!
Sometimes it helps to ask about other kids. This adds a bit of distance to the conversation in a way that can make it easier to hang in around a touchy subject. Your goal is for them to do the majority of the talking and for you to say things like
‘oh wow,’ ‘huh,’ ‘so you are saying that some people use this app for this and others for this?’ ‘hmm,’ ‘oh man that sounds hard,’ ‘then what do you (people) do…?’ ‘What do you think they are going for?’ ‘What do you think of that?’ ‘Jeez, this is complicated, it was way more simple when I was a teen, I feel for you all.’ ‘I’m impressed with how much thought you have given this.’
Consider starting with something less spicy to get things rolling
Don’t start with the app or game that they are most likely to feel defensive about and that you might have the hardest time projecting non-judgmental curiosity about. I might suggest Roblox, YouTube shorts, Facebook (if you want them to laugh at you), something that feels light and less controversial. The idea is that they show you how it works in the game or on the App. SnapChat and TikTok may feel very personal so it is best to have some trust (that your intentions are not to get them in trouble) before asking.
SnapChat
What is SnapChat for?
Can you show me how it works?
Tell me about SnapMaps, stories, stickers, chats.
How do you decide if you add someone, snap streaks, snap scores, what do snap scores mean and what do you think about them?
How is this used? I heard that things disappear, is that true? Can/do people screenshots? Save and chat? Can you tell?
Do you have any active Snap conversations going? (often the ‘talking’ phase that leads into dating)
What is catfishing and how could that happen?
Does bullying happen in SnapChat?
How do people/you decide what to share? (like do you assume someone may screenshot and share something?)
Top friends? Managing FOMO?
Are their unspoken rules that people follow? Like how quickly they respond, leaving on delivered, on read? Half swipes?
Story settings? Reels?
How do people use it?
Is it different for girls vs boys?
Are there unspoken rules around likes and comments?
Are the rules different for different people (can popular kids get away with different things?)
How do you decide what to post? (how much skin to show?)
Humblebrags? Thirst traps?
What do you think about people who post thirst traps?
How do you tell if someone is who they say they are? (they are actually a kid in the community)
How do you think about safety?
What about a digital footprint?
Do you assume that other kid’s parents look through their phones? Birthdays, stories?
How/do people respond if the group rules are broken? Do they? Different rules for different status kids? DM? Privacy settings?
Likes, comments, shares and the ratio of one to another?
Tik Tok and YouTube
How does this work?
What sorts of things might a person see?
What do you like to watch?
How do algorithms work? Does that change what is in your FYP?
Can you control what they show you?
What do people do when it gives them content they don’t want or isn’t good for them?
Do people you know post things?
Do you post things?
How do you keep yourself safe?
How do people manage rude/mean comments?
Do you think people are more likely to be rude on-line?
Is it hard to turn it off?
Video games
What is your favorite game?
How does it work?
What do you like about it?
Do you play with friends?
What is it like to play with others?
How do you know who you are talking to?
How do people keep their identities safe?
Do people in the game get upset or kick other people out?
Can you show me how to play?
What do you think about the idea that violent video games are bad for kids?
Have you had people you don’t know try to trick you?
Try to note positive skills that they are learning or practicing and comment on these strengths. You are again trying to demonstrate an interest in your child and something that is important to them, so this goes a long way.
Depending on your child you may also ask about Discord, Twitch, Reddit, Omegle (video chat with strangers, yikes!)
Older teens on social media type questions
What do you think about people asking for nudes? (this is quite common I’m told)
Has that happened to anyone you know?
What does it mean to be catfished?
How do you or people you know protect themselves?
How do you know if someone is who they say they are?
What do you think about people getting radicalized/RedPilled/BlackPilled?
Their thoughts/values about porn and yours.
This isn’t a one time conversation. If you sense it is starting to go sideways, thank them sincerely for hanging with you and express your sincere appreciation for any willingness to talk and educate you. I would encourage you to also consider ending the conversation before they get annoyed. Some teens enjoy being a tour guide and may engage in a longer conversation and others may be skeptical of your motives and quicker to it shut down. In the latter case, it makes sense to end the convo before they shut it down. This builds trust and give you a better chance of future willingness.
Especially if you have heard anything concerning,
It is reasonable to share a few requests around safety and also to ask questions and correct information about legal implication of nudes/porn for example.
Safety expectations;
For example, they will not share any identifying or personal details, and will let you know if someone asks them to meet somewhere, to do anything uncomfortable, etc.
Also, it is important that they know about ‘sex – extortion’ and know that if they ever do get tricked that you will always help them no matter what and if someone is threatening them they can always tell you and you will help them and not be mad at them.
